Clearance
by Elias Lederer
Billy Mower Jr
The corner shop near Goodge Street Station is a newsagents. Billy Mower Jr is a UCL dropout with a new-found pensive predisposition.
Billy Mower Sr sells insurance and never thinks about the same thing for more than 45 seconds at a time. Billy Mower Sr is what his in-laws call
“filthy rich”. He does not know that his son is using his money to sustain a nutrient deficient diet and skulk the streets whilst thinking about things for more than 45 seconds at a time.
For the first time in his life, Billy Mower Jr wanted to read the news. He made his decision and thought about it for the three minutes it
took him to walk from his hotel to the corner shop near Goodge Street Station. Billy Mower Jr picked up the first newspaper he saw, was quickly distracted by the pamphlet which fell out of it and knelt to read its title: “The Lie of the Wrist Watch!”
Billy Mower Jr asked the shopkeeper how much the pamphlet cost, was told it could only be purchased with the newspaper. Billy Mower Jr
bought the newspaper.
The maid was changing Billy Mower Jr’s bedsheets when he got back to the hotel. When she was finished, they had sex and she held him
for some time afterwards. The maids name was Sarah Benson. 37 years old, divorced with three children, Sarah Benson had proposed Billy Mower Jr a no-strings attached relationship three weeks into his stay.
The corner shop near Goodge Street Station is a newsagents. Billy Mower Jr is a UCL dropout with a new-found pensive predisposition.
Billy Mower Sr sells insurance and never thinks about the same thing for more than 45 seconds at a time. Billy Mower Sr is what his in-laws call
“filthy rich”. He does not know that his son is using his money to sustain a nutrient deficient diet and skulk the streets whilst thinking about things for more than 45 seconds at a time.
For the first time in his life, Billy Mower Jr wanted to read the news. He made his decision and thought about it for the three minutes it
took him to walk from his hotel to the corner shop near Goodge Street Station. Billy Mower Jr picked up the first newspaper he saw, was quickly distracted by the pamphlet which fell out of it and knelt to read its title: “The Lie of the Wrist Watch!”
Billy Mower Jr asked the shopkeeper how much the pamphlet cost, was told it could only be purchased with the newspaper. Billy Mower Jr
bought the newspaper.
The maid was changing Billy Mower Jr’s bedsheets when he got back to the hotel. When she was finished, they had sex and she held him
for some time afterwards. The maids name was Sarah Benson. 37 years old, divorced with three children, Sarah Benson had proposed Billy Mower Jr a no-strings attached relationship three weeks into his stay.
Billy Mower Jr lay alone in his freshly unmade bed. He leant over, took the pamphlet from the bedside table and started to read (see scan of original document on the page aside).
The pamphlet made Billy Mower Jr cry. He related to time, as described by Edmund Squibbly. Billy Mower Jr left a note for Sarah Benson:
“Gone to Malta”
Billy Mower Sr did not hear from or see his son for three years. At which time, he watched a piece on TV about the ORTš successful lobbying of the Maltese government. Edmund Squibbly seemed remarkably short—his feet dangled beneath him whilst he described the ORT policy which had been adopted by the Maltese government.
The speed of vehicles was now to be measured in hours per mile (HPM), as opposed to the previously standard miles per hour (MPH). Squibbly explained that this amendment shifted the emphasis of the equation from distance to time and was therefore more respectful. Sitting next to Squibbly and nodding along was the Vice President of ORT, Billy Mower Jr.
Billy Mower Sr worked out that his own car (an Audi R8) had a top speed of 0.0048hpm. He thought this sounded less impressive, that the whole thing was a gimmick. Regardless, he was crying at the sight of his son. It was the first time he’d cried since the death of Billy Mower Jr’s mother. Billy Mower Sr spoke aloud, though he was alone:
“Very proud of him.”
Billy Mower Sr wondered if he had any right to feel this way.
The pamphlet made Billy Mower Jr cry. He related to time, as described by Edmund Squibbly. Billy Mower Jr left a note for Sarah Benson:
“Gone to Malta”
Billy Mower Sr did not hear from or see his son for three years. At which time, he watched a piece on TV about the ORTš successful lobbying of the Maltese government. Edmund Squibbly seemed remarkably short—his feet dangled beneath him whilst he described the ORT policy which had been adopted by the Maltese government.
The speed of vehicles was now to be measured in hours per mile (HPM), as opposed to the previously standard miles per hour (MPH). Squibbly explained that this amendment shifted the emphasis of the equation from distance to time and was therefore more respectful. Sitting next to Squibbly and nodding along was the Vice President of ORT, Billy Mower Jr.
Billy Mower Sr worked out that his own car (an Audi R8) had a top speed of 0.0048hpm. He thought this sounded less impressive, that the whole thing was a gimmick. Regardless, he was crying at the sight of his son. It was the first time he’d cried since the death of Billy Mower Jr’s mother. Billy Mower Sr spoke aloud, though he was alone:
“Very proud of him.”
Billy Mower Sr wondered if he had any right to feel this way.
Richard Richardson
Richard Richardson is the proprietor of Richardson’s Convenience Store on Upper Street.
He is 103 years old, weighs 53kg in the morning without clothes, and cannot bend his left knee on account of a shrapnel injury which he incurred at the D-Day landings. The laces on Richard Richardson’s left shoe are almost aways untied and he often falls over as a consequence. Richard Richardson says slip-on shoes are too casual: he prefers to trip, formally.
Speaking of trips, Richard Richardson is selling Richardson’s Convenience Store (after 65 years in business) to move abroad. This comes as no surprise, he is of retiring age.
On the subject, Richard Richardson says:
“I want to go where those mangos came from, sit on a beach and watch new-born turtles run to the sea. I’ve never been to the beach without being shot at.”
Richard Richardson is the proprietor of Richardson’s Convenience Store on Upper Street.
He is 103 years old, weighs 53kg in the morning without clothes, and cannot bend his left knee on account of a shrapnel injury which he incurred at the D-Day landings. The laces on Richard Richardson’s left shoe are almost aways untied and he often falls over as a consequence. Richard Richardson says slip-on shoes are too casual: he prefers to trip, formally.
Speaking of trips, Richard Richardson is selling Richardson’s Convenience Store (after 65 years in business) to move abroad. This comes as no surprise, he is of retiring age.
On the subject, Richard Richardson says:
“I want to go where those mangos came from, sit on a beach and watch new-born turtles run to the sea. I’ve never been to the beach without being shot at.”
Hal’s Inconvenience Store
Hal’s Inconvenience Store is famous because it’s hard to find. I won’t say where it is as I don’t want to undermine Hal’s business plan.
Hal’s parents died in a pileup on the motorway when he was six years old. He was orphaned for three months and then adopted by the heiress,
Maria Von Pipen. Maria owned the land beneath the motorway on which Hal’s parents had died, heard his story and felt somehow responsible.
Maria loved Hal. She slept 16 hours per night and never worked a day in her life.
Hal was 33 years old when Maria died. He slept for 5 hours per night, had also never worked a day in his life. The latter was something Hal sought to change, so he decided to use his inheritance to go into business. Along with £6 million, Hal inherited financial advisors from Maria. When these advisors told Hal his business plan was a bad one, he fired them.
Hal’s business plan was this: a chain of corner shops which are hard to find. The idea being that customers would feel compelled to buy something if they’d worked hard enough to find the place.
Hal’s Inconvenience Store is famous because it’s hard to find. I won’t say where it is as I don’t want to undermine Hal’s business plan.
Hal’s parents died in a pileup on the motorway when he was six years old. He was orphaned for three months and then adopted by the heiress,
Maria Von Pipen. Maria owned the land beneath the motorway on which Hal’s parents had died, heard his story and felt somehow responsible.
Maria loved Hal. She slept 16 hours per night and never worked a day in her life.
Hal was 33 years old when Maria died. He slept for 5 hours per night, had also never worked a day in his life. The latter was something Hal sought to change, so he decided to use his inheritance to go into business. Along with £6 million, Hal inherited financial advisors from Maria. When these advisors told Hal his business plan was a bad one, he fired them.
Hal’s business plan was this: a chain of corner shops which are hard to find. The idea being that customers would feel compelled to buy something if they’d worked hard enough to find the place.
Hal told me his business was much like Uber or WeWork because he knew it would not make a profit for at least the first few years of its
operation. Hal was right: he started with one store, which had three customers the first year and seven the second. Hal doubled down, opened five more stores in secret locations and was bringing in just over £50,000 a year when I first shopped in one. My shopping experience was
this:
Hal’s Inconvenience Store smelled like eucalyptus. There was no branding but the floor, walls and ceilings were pale green, so were the
shelves. The only other colour within the store was provided by the packaging of the products. I remember it sort of looked like a field of flowers in there. The selection was not unusual, I bought a small packet of peanut M&M’s. Lifting them from the shelf felt like plucking a yellow flower from the ground. Above a doorway into a back room hung three portraits: one of Hal’s mother, one of his father, and one of Maria Von Pipen.
When I interviewed Hal after this shopping experience (before we became the good friends we are today), he said he was losing around
£130,000 per year on his chain of Inconvenience Stores. At this rate, he said, he could maintain the business for thirty or forty years.
operation. Hal was right: he started with one store, which had three customers the first year and seven the second. Hal doubled down, opened five more stores in secret locations and was bringing in just over £50,000 a year when I first shopped in one. My shopping experience was
this:
Hal’s Inconvenience Store smelled like eucalyptus. There was no branding but the floor, walls and ceilings were pale green, so were the
shelves. The only other colour within the store was provided by the packaging of the products. I remember it sort of looked like a field of flowers in there. The selection was not unusual, I bought a small packet of peanut M&M’s. Lifting them from the shelf felt like plucking a yellow flower from the ground. Above a doorway into a back room hung three portraits: one of Hal’s mother, one of his father, and one of Maria Von Pipen.
When I interviewed Hal after this shopping experience (before we became the good friends we are today), he said he was losing around
£130,000 per year on his chain of Inconvenience Stores. At this rate, he said, he could maintain the business for thirty or forty years.
MANY THANKS TO THE
ISSUE 3 CONTRIBUTORS
MANY THANKS TO THE
ISSUE 2 CONTRIBUTORS
KOKO FIGURA
ANNIE
VANESSA TORPEY
YVES BARTLETT & DA-JIONG DONG
MANY THANKS TO THE
ISSUE 1 CONTRIBUTORS
born out of post-sunday blues sugar hiccups and getting the memo
2024
2024